Why Do I Feel Lonely, as an Introvert Who Gets to be Alone?

Imagine you’ve just declined an invite to a weekend gathering. A quiet evening alone is exactly what you need, right? But instead of feeling recharged, a strange emptiness settles in. You scroll endlessly on your phone, bouncing between books and TV shows, yet nothing feels fulfilling. You wonder, “I wanted to be alone. So why do I feel so lonely?”

This isn’t just a fleeting thought—it’s a contradiction many introverts experience. Society tells us that introverts love being alone, but what if solitude doesn’t bring the comfort it’s supposed to? What if the very thing that’s supposed to recharge you leaves you feeling isolated? 

The answer isn’t just psychological—it’s deeply personal, shaping how you interact with the world, your relationships, and even your mental health. 

For years, society has conditioned us to believe that extroverts need people, while introverts need space. But Dr. Virginia Thomas’s research debunks this oversimplification—not all introverts find comfort in solitude. 

Some introverts experience solitude as a gift, while others feel isolated, trapped, or emotionally disconnected when they are alone.

“These findings go against our intuitive notions about personality, which presume that extraverts are social butterflies and introverts are happy hermits.”

Dr. Virginia Thomas. 

Psychologist Dr. Virginia Thomas from Wilmington College took this question head-on in 2024 with her research on introverts who feel lonely. Her studies revealed that not all introverts experience solitude in the same way. 

In 2019, Dr. Virginia Thompson’s original study was published in The Journal of Adolescence. However, recently her study featured in popular publications like Psychology Today and Science Daily as well. 

This distinction between high- and low-functioning introverts was studied by Dr. Virginia and her team with 400 adults between the ages of 18 and 89. They were asked to maintain a 10-day diary to track to observe how often they chose to be alone during the day. They then incorporated the multifaceted STAR model to categorize introverts.

Some introverts feel energized by alone time, while others experience deep loneliness despite their preference for quiet. Dr. Thomas introduced the idea of high- and low-functioning introverts. 

The difference lies in their psychological well-being. High-functioning introverts embrace alone time, using it as an opportunity for growth and self-reflection. Low-functioning introverts, on the other hand, experience solitude as a burden.

Instead of recharging, they feel disconnected from others. They are trapped in their own thoughts and often turn to distractions like social media for escape. If you have wondered where you stand on the introversion scale and whether you are a high-functioning introvert or a low-functioning introvert, you can use this questionnaire to assess yourself.

“We found there were actually two different types of introverts: a ‘low-functioning’ group that was more lonely and less psychologically healthy than their ‘high-functioning’ counterparts—a group that was just as introverted but who had a more solid sense of self and more positive relationships than others.”

Dr. Virginia Thompson. 

This distinction aligns with the work of Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, who coined the concept of flow state in 1990​. He found that introverts thrive when engaged in fulfilling, deeply immersive activities. Those who experience solitude without engagement, however, often feel restless, distracted, or lonely.

This changes everything. Not all introverts are happy in solitude. Some need structure, purpose, and deeper engagement to truly benefit from their alone time.

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi’s research on flow states demonstrated that introverts thrive in solitude only when they engage in meaningful activities. His work was first published in 1975. But his most influential book, Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, came out in 1990. 

His research remains a cornerstone in understanding why some introverts struggle with loneliness while others flourish in solitude

Carl Jung first introduced the concepts of introversion and extroversion at the Fourth International Congress of Psychoanalysis in Munich in 1913. 

He later refined these ideas in his 1921 book Psychological Types, where he argued that introversion is not about avoiding people but about directing one’s energy inward rather than outward​.

Over time, this idea became oversimplified into the stereotype of the “happy hermit” introvert, which ignores the complexity of human interaction.

Susan Cain, the author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts, has also challenged the misconception that introverts dislike socializing. Her research shows that introverts crave meaningful connections just as much as extroverts, but they prefer deeper, one-on-one interactions rather than surface-level small talk. 

Brian Little’s Free Trait Theory introduced the idea that introverts can behave like extroverts when motivated by passion. His book, Me, Myself, and Us: The Science of Personality and the Art of Well-Being, published in 2014, explores how personality traits are flexible, and how introverts can navigate social environments in ways that suit their personal goals​

Laurie Helgoe’s research highlights another crucial factor—introverts do not necessarily avoid people; rather, they seek depth in their interactions. They are not antisocial; they are selectively social. 

The Four Introvert Types: Which One Are You?

In 2017, Dr. Virginia Thomas incorporated a new framework known as the STAR Model of Introversion, first introduced by Professor Jonathan Creek, a psychology professor at Wellesley College. 

“When you survey a person on the street, asking them to define introversion, what comes up as the prototypical characteristics … are things like thoughtful or introspective.” 

Psychology professor Jonathan Creek at Wellesley College.

The model categorizes introverts into four types:

• Social Introverts: Enjoy people but need selective socialization. Too much solitude can feel isolating.
• Thinking Introverts: Thrive in solitude because they engage in self-reflection and creative thinking.
• Anxious Introverts: Withdraw not because they enjoy solitude, but because social situations feel overwhelming.
• Restrained Introverts: Prefer a slow, deliberate pace in life, needing both social interaction and quiet time.

Social introverts enjoy meaningful connections and small gatherings but still need alone time. However, too much solitude can make them feel isolated rather than recharged. Thinking introverts are deeply introspective and enjoy solitude for creativity and self-reflection rather than as a means of avoiding social situations. 

Anxious introverts, on the other hand, withdraw not because they enjoy solitude, but because they feel uneasy in social situations. For them, being alone is not necessarily fulfilling—it’s an escape from discomfort. Restrained introverts are slow to warm up in social settings and prefer to take their time before engaging with others. They are neither overly drawn to solitude nor reliant on social interaction.

This model is a breakthrough in understanding why some introverts feel lonely while others do not. Many people assume that introverts all fit into one category, but in reality, their relationship with solitude varies significantly. Someone who falls into the anxious category may find solitude isolating, while a thinking introvert may view it as an opportunity for self-discovery.

Why Some Introverts Struggle with Loneliness?

One of the most significant distinctions in Dr. Thomas’s research is the difference between loneliness and true solitude. Many introverts struggle with distinguishing the two. 

Solitude, when intentional and fulfilling, is healthy. It allows for creativity, relaxation, and self-awareness. But when solitude is unwanted, it becomes loneliness—a state that can lead to negative emotions and mental distress.

Another major factor in why some introverts feel lonely is the role of social media. Many introverts turn to social media as a coping mechanism, especially when they feel isolated. 

However, research suggests that this doesn’t actually help. Instead of creating meaningful interactions, social media often serves as a distraction that deepens the sense of disconnection. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi’s research on flow suggests that solitude must be fulfilling to be beneficial. If alone time isn’t actively engaging, it will start to feel empty and isolating.

Dr. Thomas’s research provides actionable insights into how introverts can navigate loneliness and make solitude work for them. The first step is self-discovery. Understanding whether you are a social, thinking, anxious, or restrained introvert can help you recognize why solitude feels the way it does. 

If you find that your alone time is leading to loneliness rather than fulfillment, it may be time to shift from passive to active solitude. Engaging in activities that require deep focus, such as creative projects, intellectual pursuits, or physical activities, can transform solitude into something rewarding rather than isolating.

Reframing socializing as a form of connection rather than obligation is another key insight. Being an introvert does not mean that you don’t need people—it simply means that you thrive in smaller, more meaningful interactions.

 Rather than withdrawing completely, setting boundaries around social interactions can help introverts avoid exhaustion while still fostering relationships.

Thomas’s work sheds light on the complex relationship between introversion, sensory sensitivity, and the motivation for solitude. It reveals that people who score high in sensory processing sensitivity (SPS). SPS is a trait marked by heightened sensitivity to external stimuli—often seeking solitude to avoid overstimulation. 

This behavior is particularly evident when individuals experience stress. The research also uncovers that introverts who score high in social introversion and thinking introversion are more likely to choose solitude. Especially when it offers a way to restore emotional balance.

 Yet, solitude doesn’t always come with positive outcomes. The study also reveals that stress-driven solitude can, at times, lead to lower well-being.

In 2020, Black & Kern explored the concept of SPS and its relation to solitude-seeking behavior. The study found that individuals with high SPS are significantly more likely to withdraw from social situations when exposed to overstimulating environments. 

These findings are directly relevant to Thomas’s study, which posits that people with high SPS often use solitude to cope with sensory overload. It suggests that their solitude-seeking behavior is not merely a preference but a coping mechanism. 

Their research corroborates Thomas’s conclusion that SPS plays a central role in how individuals manage stress and sensory overload through solitude.

Another pivotal study by Bas, R., De Jong, P., & Dijkstra, M. explored similar territory in the year 2021. Their research focused on individuals with high SPS and their tendency to withdraw into solitude. Bas and colleagues found that sensory-sensitive individuals often retreat from social situations and external stimulation, seeking the quiet of solitude to cope. 

This parallels Thomas’s findings, particularly regarding how people with high SPS use solitude as a form of emotional regulation, escaping environments that are too overwhelming.

Finally, redefining solitude as a choice rather than a trap is essential. If being alone feels unfulfilling, it may be a sign of that. A sign to introduce more human connection into your life. This does not mean forcing yourself into uncomfortable social situations. But rather, creating intentional, meaningful moments of connection that align with your personality.